Things I have learned...

A couple of months ago, Ethan and I were in Charlotte and we stopped by my father's school (he's a teacher) to visit for a while. While we were there, the subject of a wedding this summer that my parents will be attending came up. The person getting married is pretty young, etc. and hasn't even known the fiancee for all that long. I asked my father if this person was really ready to get married, because I find that a lot of people planning to get married or engaged are completely naive about what marriage entails. All they can see are the happy and good parts. A lot of people rush through the process, and cheat themselves in the end. The dating process should be taken seriously and carefully... too many broken hearts happen when it isn't. Emotions cannot be trusted to make decisions. They should be a part of a decision, of course... but not the sole determining factor. It is ridiculous to make a life-changing decision on how you "feel" at the moment. Anyone who is married can honestly tell you that sometimes they don't like their spouse and that they don't "feel" wildly and passionately in love on some days. What is important is the constant love and committment. The romance will be there, but marriage is not like the Hollywood movies. On that note, anyone thinking about getting married... please do yourself and the one you're with a favor... and take your time. It doesn't matter how young or old you are, or how "right" it feels. If the person is the right one for you, they'll be there next year and they'll wait.

My father conceded that the person getting married this summer was indeed a bit naive, but then again... who really has all the answers before making the leap? I agreed with his point but asked if the person really knew enough to be getting married, especially given that he could not support his spouse on his own, and that it would actually be the other way around. He shrugged and we both agreed that we hoped that it would work out. After a pause, my father then asked me if I had learned anything at all in my 2.5 years of marriage with Ethan. I thought about it but I couldn't think of anything surface-wise. Ethan and I dated for three years and we covered everything. There were no surprises whatsoever after the wedding. So I told him that no, I hadn't learned anything.

I was wrong.

Okay, everyone can stop gasping at the screen now. Seriously.

In my time as Ethan's wife I may not have learned what his favorite things are or what his future hopes and goals are since I already knew those things before we got married. I may have already known that he was a strong man with good character and a sense of justice, and that he would always do his ultimate best to love, care for, and protect me. I also knew that if I didn't want to work, I wouldn't have to. I knew how he reacted in situations of dire crisis. I also knew that I could trust him 100% and that he would be committed to me always.

I did not know just how much I would come to love him. I always heard that you would be more in love with a person after marriage but I didn't think it was possible to love a person anymore than I loved Ethan. Sometimes I feel that I love so much that my heart could literally break. But it grows. Sometimes a little bit each day, sometimes in leaps and bounds... but every day I love him more. And everyday I am more thankful to the Lord for choosing Ethan for me.

The other thing I didn't know was how much Ethan and I would learn to work as a team and how much I would enjoy that. There is no way to prepare for this before marriage. Even people who live together can't learn this because being married is infinitely different. You have made a committment to the person you're with, and you're in it together no matter what. When I make decisions now, I think about Ethan and our long term and short term goals before making a choice. We both make sacrifices for each other. I'm going to give you an example... and it involves a vacum cleaner and a bicycle.

I have wanted a Dyson Slim vacuum for a long time now. Anyone familiar with Dyson's know that (a) they aren't inexpensive and (b) they're probably the best on the market. We have a rug that keeps shedding because it is new... and because Ethan uses a ShopVac to clean it, it keeps shedding. The ShopVac works on the surface, but it isn't sucking out all of the loose fibers. So as soon as someone walks on it, it starts shedding again. The Dyson would solve those problems in about a week and break the rug in so it wouldn't shed anymore. It also works on all floors, so it will also work on our concrete floors.

Ethan rides his bicycle to school. The bike that he had been riding for a year now was literally falling apart because of the number of miles on it and how much use it gets. He needed a new bike, but he hadn't really done the research on it. He can always drive or take the MARTA to school, but he prefers to ride. He was making do with what he had for the time being, but the wheels were starting to wobble while riding.

So, we found ourselves in Bed, Bath, & Beyond last weekend looking at things, and I stumbled across a Dyson Sim on sale. I had a 20% off coupon at home, so I would have been able to buy the vacum cleaner at quite a significant discount. I had also made enough money that weekend from extra babysitting jobs to pay for it so it wouldn't affect our budget at all. (All extra money earned is not figured into our budget because you never know when extra work will disappear) I went home to think about it because I always make myself wait a couple of days before buying a major purchase and always discuss it with Ethan. Ethan, being the sweet husband that he is, said that it would be fine if we bought the vacum cleaner. He also pointed out to me that he really needed to get a new bike.

I wanted the vacum cleaner. I had my husband's support on getting one. But Ethan needed a bike. I knew how much he would enjoy having a new bike and how much safer it would be for him when riding to school. I still really wanted my vacum cleaner. However, I knew that I didn't NEED it. I also knew that Ethan really DID need a new bike. So... I said goodbye to the vacum cleaner and told Ethan to go and shop for his new bike and used the money that I had earned running after kids all weekend to pay for it.

This is a trite example but when I was single before I married Ethan I would have told him that a new bike was his responsibility and he could go out and get one himself if he wanted one that badly. I would have bought what I wanted because after all, it was my money and my hard work over the weekend that was paying for it. Now that we're married and we share all of our money (regardless of who earns it), things are different. We make individual decisions now based on what is best for the other person. And you know what? I don't resent it at all. I know that he would do the exact same for me. It's amazing to be in a relationship where the objective is to NOT be selfish and to put the other person ahead of yourself in all things. When both people do that, it's a pretty great relationship.

So I was wrong. And I'm sure that I will continue to be wrong as we walk through life together. There are probably lots of things that we haven't learned yet that we will be taught through experiences... whether it be a major loss to us, or a baby in the future, etc. I admit that I don't have all of the answers. I also accept that it's okay not to (to a point). Life is sometimes a trial and error journey, and you plug away at it until you find what works. But I also live in the comfort that we have a Heavenly Father who wlil be there with us no matter what we go through, and that I have a husband who will stand next to me no matter what...because he made a promise to me on our wedding day and I know he'll keep it. Those are the most important things that matter. So bring it on!

So dad, if you read this...thanks. You made me think, and I learned something as a result.