The Chameleon Complex

I think we're all familiar with what I like to dub "The Chameleon Complex". It's when a person changes themselves so often to fit the image they feel they need to project. It happens a lot with boyfriends. A gal will change something about herself or her entire self completely because she feels she won't get the love she so desperately wants if she doesn't. Newsflash: if you have to change who you are for a guy...he's most definitely not the guy for you. Sometimes it's a little more serious though and leads to practical brainwashing. A girl I was once friends with is a classic example and is probably the epitome of Chameleon Complex.

I met this girl several years ago and at the time she was in an emotionally abusive relationship. She was overweight and absolutely miserable. She somehow convinced herself that it was all her fault and if she were better, smarter, more beautiful, then the guy wouldn't be mean to her anymore. She eventually did move on from him but then landed herself in another relationship with a Muslim guy who was a shady character to say the least. Plus, Jen was supposedly a straightlaced Baptist who subscribed to Christian beliefs... anyway, she twisted the Bible to her liking to justify dating (and sleeping with) this guy. We had several arguments over him because it was quite obvious that what she was doing was wrong and not in line with her faith. To be fair, her family legitimized the relationship and helped her justify it too... so I looked like the crazy Bible thumper friend. I think a year went by where we didn't speak to each other. In that year she reinvented herself and starved/exercised herself down 50 pounds to be more attractive for him. Her Muslim boyfriend left her, just as I predicted he would and married a girl back home. This was incredibly hurtful to her, and I held her while she cried for quite a long time and was there to help pick up the pieces. She got involved with another one who was actually physically abusive but fortunately wasn't dumb enough to stay in that relationship. After this guy, she got involved with an Indian guy. Different religion, and I suppose nice enough....but they were miserable, always fighting, and he always made her cry. Not to mention the whole "unequally yoked" part. He left her too. Who wants to be in a relationship that is difficult and full of drama? So in her unhappiness, she gets involved with a divorced alcohol abusing guy with two kids and starts practically living with him. That relationship also ends badly....long story short: she ends up in jail after he calls the police on her during an argument in which she broke into his apartment. Believe it or not, she actually goes BACK to the guy after all this! It eventually ends because her family has had enough of him. So then she throws herself into church. Which isn't a bad thing at all.... unless you become a holier than thou Bible thumper who considers herself better than everyone else. A little humility is a good thing...when you've come from rock bottom as described above. Instead, she chooses to hide her past from everyone at the church and present herself a a virgin non-drinking superstrict Baptist. Yeah. So not the truth at all. But the church and her "new" friends believe the lie. She meets an overweight guy at the church (who passes muster with her family and pastor) with zero personality or manners and decides to marry him within a few months of meeting.... much to the disbelief of her friends. Completely not her type in the least bit, and none of us can see what she sees in him.  She also constantly spouts Bible verses and religious thoughts and passes judgement on others. It's too drastic a change in too short a time to trust. The girl we all knew and loved never would have married him. Wouldn't have even given him a second glance. She's an established chameleon now.... so making another change from who she really is must be old hat at this point. It's just sad. The danger of being a chameleon is that you change so much that your friends no longer recognize you and cannot put up with your drama and the hypocrisy of it all. So best wishes to my friend, but I can't be in her life anymore. All I can do is pray that she someday realizes who she really is and stops pretending to be someone she isn't to make everyone else happy.